Finished

Posted on January 26, 2012 by Sara

Thank goodness.

I finished with radiation this morning and I did the happy dance all the way down the hall.  It’s been an exhausting month and I’m really happy to be done with it.  And of course also a little sad since it means I won’t see my girls in the radiation department each morning.  They are so special to me and have carried me through these last days on their smiles and encouragement.

I’ve also felt carried by the prayers and well wishes of all of you.  Thank you for each encouraging message and comment and prayer.  For each plate of cookies and bottle of wine and the time taken out of your day to drive me to and fro.  I am so blessed.

This will be my post chemo weekend so I’ll be lying low for a few days.  But I’ll feel better by next week and am anxious to get back into the normal routine.

The plan is to do a scan about mid-March to see what’s cooking.

Prayerfully we ask that the answer be absolutely nothing.

Posted in Cancer | 6 Comments

The Journey

Posted on January 22, 2012 by Sara

Our church does Sunday School a little differently from what I’ve been used to.  They have a choice of three classes for adults to choose from and each of them runs about 5-6 weeks.  We’ve gone to a couple of different ones so far and have enjoyed them all so much.

This time around we are attending a class talking about Spirituality in American Literature.  Our teacher’s name is Bob and he is the college professor  you wish you’d had in college.  Funny, smart, more than 20 years in the classroom, and so approachable, he makes the hour zoom by as he discusses works by Fredrick Douglas and Thoreau.  Both of whom I’m ashamed to say I hadn’t read before now.  The only book I remember reading in high school and dissecting bit by bit was Lord of the Flies by William Golding and I still have nightmares about the murder of Piggy.  Thank you, Ms. Thurman!

Today we were discussing Thoreau’s book, Walden.  It’s a story of simplifying your life and finding spiritual rebirth.  Thoreau was also struggling with his own mortality.  He was dying of tuberculosis (it would claim him at the young age of 44), and he knew his days were numbered.

There came a point where he realized he had to surrender to the journey he was on. He had to stop fighting it.  He had to trust in the journey and believe that the end would result not just in death but in a transformation of sorts.

Bob put it this way.  Trust in the journey.  Surrender to it and it will take you home.

I so needed those words.  This has been a rough patch for me.  For the most part I’m doing well, but I’m (as my grandma would say) slap wore out.  This journey is hard.  Sometimes I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing.  I can’t see around the next bend.  I feel like I’m slogging through mud up to my knees.

If I am being very truthful, I would have to say that I am not afraid of dying.  I know that better things lie beyond this world.  Things we can not begin to imagine.  I do not fear what waits for me.  In fact, parts of me long for it.

But between now and then?  That’s where the fear comes in.  The thoughts and ideas of what that might look like can cause great anxiety for me.

It was made very clear to me this morning that I’m to trust this journey.  I’m to trust the one who is walking with me every step of the way.  The one who knows all the twists and turns of the road before me and has me firmly by the hand.  Asking me only to trust that He is there.

And He will lead me home.

Posted in Cancer, Faith | 11 Comments

My Prayer

Posted on January 15, 2012 by Sara

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my life and what I’d like it to look like from this time going forward.  I spend a lot of time wondering what my purpose is and how I can best point people to the source of my strength and the strength of my family.

We sang this hymn this morning at church.  More and more I am drawn to the words of the old hymns.  I think that they are rich with meaning even, or perhaps because of, the way you really have to listen to the words to understand them.  The last stanza in particular spoke to me so loudly and put a lump in my throat.

Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

This is my prayer.  Whatever befall.

Go listen to it here

Posted in Cancer, Faith | 4 Comments

Yuck and Yea

Posted on January 11, 2012 by Sara

I’m feeling the effects of the radiation now.  A slight feeling of nausea that is always simmering just under the surface.  Just enough to always make me make sure I always know where the nearest bathroom is.  It feels a lot like my morning sickness with the kids  except this time all I want to eat is Potbelly turkey sandwiches instead of Subway turkey sandwiches.  And I don’t get a sweet baby at the end.

Bear with me.  I’ll resurface soon.  I’ll be finished two weeks from today and I can do anything for two weeks.

Please continue to pray that my pancreas and intestines are spared any major damage.  There is no sign of anything going on and we want it to stay that way.

Thanks to you all.

Some really wonderful news.   Those of you who have been around know that I’ve been praying for Matt Chandler for a long while.  He had his first post chemo scan on Tuesday and we are so thankful to say that it was clear as a bell!  Another miracle.

Posted in Cancer | 3 Comments

Time Goes By

Posted on January 8, 2012 by Sara

There was a time that I knew every move my children made.  I knew when and what they ate for each meal.  I knew where they were and what they were doing at all times.  I was the recipient of all their thoughts.  Of course their daddy knew some of this as well, but I was the one around most of the time so I felt like I was in the know.

I don’t know why, but it stuck me this weekend that this is no longer true.  I couldn’t tell you whether Katie ate breakfast this morning, much less what she had.  She texts her friends nonstop these days and even rolled her eyes at her daddy the other day and said “whatever”. (with a smile)

It is as it should be.  She is getting older and more independent.  As is her sister.  Last Saturday night JD and I found ourselves home by ourselves after dropping each girl off at her respective social obligation.  We’ve had evenings at home before but this one felt different.  In the past, the girls might have been away at an aunt’s house or some other family member.  But now they are starting to have their own lives, away from us.  Not so much Elena just yet, but certainly Katie has entered a new phase.

I have mixed emotions about all this.  On one hand, I’m happy to see them develop into their own people.  Grateful that I’m here to see the changes.  But there is some sadness attached to it as well.  Time goes by so very fast.

But isn’t this the whole point?  To raise them to be independent and have their own lives?  It’s a wonderful thing to see.  Even if it causes a Momma’s heart to hurt just a bit.

Luckily, there are still bits of those little girls left to soothe the transition.  Katie still sleeps with her blankie and Elena still has her panda in bed with her every night.   And Katie still tells me most of her thoughts (much to her friends’ chagrin).  I hope that never changes.

 

 

Posted in Kids | 11 Comments

Good Things

Posted on January 2, 2012 by Sara

Here are some good things I’ve seen and/or read over the holiday season.  It’s been a good break and I’m kind of sad to see everyone go back to their routines tomorrow morning.  We like being lazy around here.  I don’t think the girls have gotten out of their pajamas any more than 2 out out of the last 7 days. It’s been great.

Hugo:  Go right now and see this movie. It was astounding.  Beautiful to look at and a wonderful story. And if Elena and the boy in this movie married?  Kids with the bluest eyes in the world would result. I just know it.

Bramwell:  Series from the BBC.   It’s our new addiction.  Victorian England, strong willed central character, beautiful costumes.  Love.

Descendants:  George Clooney.  Sigh.  If my friend Kate didn’t already have dibs, I’d totally call him my pretend boyfriend.  This movie was really, really hard to watch.  Heartbreaking.  But also funny and wonderful.  The best of both.

Harry Potter: The Deathly Hallows:  Yes, I know I’m years behind but the 7th book is just so good, ya’ll.  I could not put it down. That JK Rowling is a damn genius.

The Language of Flowers:  One of the books my husband picked out for me this Christmas.  Loved every single word of it.  Beautiful.  Love him that he knows me so well:)

Happy New Year to you all.  So far so good with the radiation.  8/25 done.  Minor side effects but nothing too bad. Thanks for the prayers.

 

Posted in Books, Cancer, Holidays, Home, TV and Movies | 2 Comments

Faith

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Sara

I find myself pulling into the parking lot of the hospital and remembering very little of the drive over.  I know I listened to NPR because I always do.  I know I probably thought about what I’d like to get accomplished after my treatment.  I’m pretty sure my car could make the drive without me even being in the driver’s seat.  A couple of times I’ve found myself going there even if I didn’t have a reason.

The hospital is very quiet.  My footsteps echo loudly as I walk down the hall and turn left into the cancer care center.  I shrug out of my coat and walk toward the waiting area.  I see a couple of familiar faces and say hello.  I go into the little dressing room and shed all my clothes and put on a hospital gown.  Holding it close so my backside doesn’t make an appearance, I am greeted by the women who do my radiation and walk back into the room where the large radiation machine lives.  I climb up and try to position myself just like I did the day before and the day before that and the day before that.  Dee and Jamie gently push and pull me until all the markings on my torso line up just so and then they leave to shoot the first xray that will confirm I’m in the right position.

This time I’m on my stomach and can’t even see my little friend in the ceiling.  So I lie as still as possible while the machine whirrs and turns and whirrs some more.  My mind is busy with two things:  imagining all the cancer cells exploding like fireworks as the radiation hits them and praying that my pancreas and other organs are spared any damage.

What am I doing here?

We don’t know if this is doing any good.  We don’t know if it will make any difference in the long run.  We have no studies to guide us or give us solid answers to any of these questions.  I’m putting myself at risk even doing this.  Is it the right thing?  Does good wait at the end of it all?  We don’t know.  We just don’t know.  So I have chosen to put my faith in my doctor and march forward.

I’ve been thinking about how I sometimes feel these same feelings about my relationship with God.  I’d be lying if I told you that I sometimes don’t feel a few twinges of doubt.  Does He really have this under control?  Does the God of the universe really care about my individual life? Does praying and reading my Bible and putting my trust in all these things mean anything?

What am I doing here?

Then I remember all the different ways He has shown me that He is exactly who He says He is.  The million ways He has provided for me and my family.  His promises are true.

So I put my faith in Him.

And we march forward.

 

 

Posted in Cancer | 9 Comments

I’m Here

Posted on December 27, 2011 by Sara

Oh, hello there.

I’m doing well with radiation (4 down, ? to go).  Thanks for your prayers.

Our Christmas was just about perfect.  The only thing missing was my brother and his family weren’t able to join us.  Boo.

Lots to share.  Including a conversation with my friend Jim that changed the way I was thinking about a lot of things.  Maybe it will have that effect on you, too.

xoxoxo

Posted in Holidays | 3 Comments

Grace Upon Grace

Posted on December 18, 2011 by Sara

Last week in church, our pastor read a verse from John 1:16.  It says (my paraphrase), from His goodness, we have received grace upon grace.

I cannot get that phrase out of my head.  Everywhere I turn, everything I see, everything I touch seems to be shouting His goodness to me.  I am overwhelmed with my Father’s abundant loving kindness for me.

I thought I’d make a list of a few of these things.  I don’t want to forget this season.  That in the midst of all this uncertainty about my future and what we are doing with this new treatment, He is there.  Reminding me of His love in a thousand different ways.

  1. My daughters playing a duet on the piano together at their Christmas recital (all those years of lessons? Totally paying off)
  2. The music at my church.  It is a gift.  Please come to our Christmas Eve service if you are in the area.  It will take your breath away.
  3. Good food with good friends.
  4. Friends who

Okay.  You won’t believe what just happened.  I’m sitting here writing this and my doorbell rings.  I yell for JD to get it, but he is downstairs and doesn’t hear me.  I go and there are about 10 teenagers standing there and they want to sing carols for us.  I’m a bit mortified because I’m in my pajamas but I let them in.

Ya’ll.

They were amazing.  There is hope for the future.

I cried.

Then I hugged them and told them what I’d been writing about.

See what I mean.

Grace upon grace.

He is so very good.

Posted in Faith, Family | 5 Comments

Decisions .v3

Posted on December 13, 2011 by Sara

We decided that we will begin radiation on Thursday Dec 23rd instead of waiting until January.   There are many factors that went in to making this decision.  Some of them big and some of them small.  Some that would only sound important to us and some that all of you would deem worthy of the decision.

At the end of the day, I just looked into Dr. S’s eyes and said, “Do you have any reservations about this at all?”  And he looked straight back and said, “None.”

I replied, “Well, lets just do it, then.  Let’s start next week.”

That gives me time to finish up my Christmas shopping, get some things mailed off so they’ll make it NY and NC in time for Christmas. (Oh, Annie.  You may hate me when you see what I got the boys, but they are going to looooovvvvee them!)  I’ll only have a couple of treatments before Christmas and so I should still feel just fine.

I’ll have between five and six weeks of radiation and will also continue my chemo every three weeks.  I had it today and it was uneventful as usual.  I do so hate the steroids, but it is a small window of time and it gives me an opportunity to catch up on all my bad TV  bible reading when I’m wide awake at 3am.

Thanks for all the prayers.  Keep them up!  We depend on them more than you could possibly know.

I’m sad about Tennessee but hoping that maybe Tennessee can come to us.  We’ll see.

Posted in Cancer, Faith, Family | 8 Comments