I put off writing this post every day last week.  I wish I could say that I was extra busy and just couldn’t get to it.

That would be a big old lie.

I was reading through the 3rd and 4th chapter where Beth talks about reasons we might have insecurity in our lives.  Loss was a big theme.  Whether it be loss of a loved one or loss of security or loss of innocence.

I actually slammed the book shut and shoved it under my bed.

Cause I don’t like to think about any of that stuff.  I like to think only happy thoughts about my past.  Because for the most part, I’ve led a very blessed, happy and secure life.  So I’d rather just think about that stuff.

Not about the other not so happy things.

I believe that everyone has them.  No one’s life is lived without something going awry.  And we could spend all day comparing mine to yours and yours to mine, but in the end, it’s all relative isn’t it?

There was a time in my early thirties when I felt completely adrift.  Like a failure in the eyes of God and in the eyes of my family.  I hid these feelings very well.  My family didn’t see it because I moved all the way across the country.  My friends (what few I had left) were kept at arms’ length and had you come across me at any time during that period of my life, I would have fooled you, too.

Cause I was good at pretending.

Except that when you pretend, you don’t really deal with the issues that got you where you are.  It took many years and the divine grace of God to help me deal with that time and put it to bed.

Or at least, I thought I had put it to bed.

So, why then, did I shove Beth Moore under my bed?

(Sorry Beth.)

Because dealing with this stuff isn’t fun.  It isn’t pretty and it isn’t easy.  And I guess that part of me would just rather not.

Except I don’t think that’s why this book came into my life at this point.

So I’m going to dust Beth off and open her up again.

Because pretending is even harder.

**  I’ve been thinking about how nice some of you are to make comments and that I should be better about responding to them.  So I’m going to do that in the comments section so it doesn’t appear as if I don’t care what you think.  Cause I do.  Really.

In my heart I was continuing to resist the idea that I have any significant insecurity.  I’m almost 47 years old for Pete’s sake.  I have a good marriage, two great kids, a job I enjoy and more friends that I should have.  What in the world do I have to be insecure about?

My high school and college years?  Now you’re talking insecurity.  Lord have mercy.  I feel so sorry for the girls and women who were my friends in those days.  My insecurity made me do some pretty hurtful things to them.  I cringe even as I write that sentence and the memories come back to me.

I honestly thought I’d grown out of it.  I’ve certainly learned how to be a good friend to the girlfriends in my life.  I no longer envy everything about absolutely everybody else. I know that even the most perfect looking people and relationships have their issues.  Everyone is struggling with something. So why should I be any more insecure than the next gal?

But there were a couple of things in this weeks reading that stopped me dead in my tracks.  Beth was talking about an insecurity inventory she took and here are a couple of questions from it.

Do you find yourself apologizing and trying to make things okay even if you were on the right side of an argument?

Does it bother you when people don’t like you?

Uh. Yes and Yes.

It kills me when a relationship of mine hits a turbulent patch.  I don’t like it one bit.  I obsess over it.  Wonder what I could have done differently.  Start feeling like a terrible friend and a worse Christian.

It ruins my day.

Make that days.

Make that weeks.

And here is the funny part.  Or sad part.  I don’t know which.

It bleeds into other areas of my life.  Makes me doubt all kinds of crazy things.  Question friendships and motives and everything else in the world.

There is no doubt in my mind that I’m reading this book in this season of my life for a reason.  I think I need to examine this part of me and deal with it once and for all.

I’ve been kidding myself.  Those insecurities of my youth hadn’t really gone away.  They merely changed shape and name.

Anyone else gain any insight into themselves this week?