I almost broke into the ugly cry at church Sunday morning. The one where my face gets all blotchy and my shoulders shake and I make that weird noise while I’m trying to catch my breath. I’m a crier, that is for sure, but this was a different kind of cry. One that feels like it is coming from somewhere deep inside you
I know that God is working on some things in my heart. Everywhere I turn these days I am confronted by the question of the pursuit of Christ. And I mean the ACTIVE pursuit of Christ. How is that played out in my life on a daily basis.
I’m a nice person. I do good things. I’m helpful. I know all the right things to say. I’m gracious to guests and open my house to any who want to come. I open doors for old people and mommies with babies in strollers. I say please and thank you. I think that most people who know me would say that I’m a good person.
I’ve been a Christian since I was six. I remember asking Jesus to come live in my heart while sitting on the arm of my Daddy’s recliner and listening to Brother Goforth tell me what that meant. I remember being baptized in the pool of the First Baptist Church in town. (Our little country church didn’t have it’s own baptistry) I’ve done youth group and retreats and Campus Crusade for Christ and mission trips and bible studies galore. I can still recite a list of the books of the bible by heart and even know where those pesky books Malachi and Haggai are found.
But the question that will not leave my mind is this. Am I just a good person? Am I so intent on doing the right things that I’m not being.
Am I pursuing Christ?
The hard answer is that I just don’t know. I don’t know.
I profess to love Christ. Not just love God. That’s pretty acceptable in our world. I can say I love God and everyone will just sort of nod in agreement. But when you say that you love Jesus?
Well, that sometimes gets some sideways glances.
Cause, you know, does that mean you don’t drink or cuss or lose your temper or speak hatefully to your family or fail people on a daily basis? Does it mean that you do all the dos and don’t do all the donts? That you always make the right decisions and wear a big cross around your neck or perhaps a WWJD bracelet?
I’ve been known to let fly a few colorful words. I’ve been a bad friend, wife, mother, and sister more times than I can count.
Sometimes I’m a really bad person.
In fact, the good person in me is constantly at war with the bad person. And in trying to be that good person, I often get caught up in the doing and not the being.
And guess what else? I’m afraid that people will think I’m a kook if I start talking about Jesus.
It shames me to even type that sentence.
Here is the truth. The truth is that because of Jesus, I live a life covered by grace. Grace that knows no bounds and that covers all that I’ve done and all that I’m going to do. A grace that I can’t even begin to fathom. A grace that took my life and all my attempts to screw things up and is making something good. Even out of my mistakes. In SPITE of my mistakes.
And I believe in that Jesus. I believe that there had to be reconciliation between God and man and that Jesus fulfilled that. That the cross was necessary.
Jesus was necessary.
I could tell you that I am resolved to start talking more about Jesus in my day to day life. That I no longer want to even hint that I’m ashamed of my faith by being scared to talk about it with those I love.
I want that to be the truth.
But I’m struggling. Good vs. Bad.
The battle continues.
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