Aging

On Friday I was certain that the stress of our upcoming move had finally caused me to snap.

I lost my phone.  Not just a “wonder where I put that thing this time” kind of lost, but the “turn your house upside down” kind of lost.

I remembered looking at the clock at 4:35 and thinking that I needed to call my Mom.  So I did.  I was standing in the kitchen talking to her when I looked down to see water coming out from the cabinet doors under the sink.  I quickly said goodbye and pulled everything out and cleaned up the water.  Then I looked up to see that I was 7 minutes late picking Elena up from Brownies.

So I shoved my feet into my flip flops, grabbed my keys and high tailed it down to the school which is all of a half mile away.  I pulled up to see my friend Lisa standing with her phone up to her ear.  She had just been calling me to see if Elena could come to her house for a while.  (Why of course she can. Thank you very much!).

I didn’t get her call becuase, remember, I had left my phone on the kitchen counter.

Or so I thought.

I went home to finished getting dinner ready.  My friend Candy came over and all of a sudden I realized that I hadn’t seen my phone in a while.  I looked in the kitchen. No phone.

Upstairs. No phone.

Downstairs. No phone.

Laundry room, bathrooms, car, front steps, neighbors front steps, back deck, jean pockets, and any other place I could think of.

No phone.

We called my phone repeatedly thinking we’d hear it ring or vibrate.  At first it would ring several times and then it started going straight to voice mail.

Nothing.

It’s like it had been raptured or something.

The only clue we had was Katie saying that while I was gone to pick up Elena, she heard my phone ring and then it sounded kind of muffled.

Candy left (wow, I’m sure that evening will rank right up there as the MOST FUN EVER!) and JD and I looked in all those places again.  The dishes had been done and after watching me walk around the house talking to myself JD finally told me to just go to bed.

We woke up Saturday morning and he said, “Did you look in the garbage disposal?”

I scoffed at him.  How could it possibly be there.  And, by the way, didn’t you use the disposal when you were washing the dishes?

“Ah, no.  Actually I didn’t.”

Guess what was in the disposal.

This is my recreation of what actually happened.

When I saw the water under the cabinets I laid the phone down just a little too close to the edge of my undermounted sink.  As I was driving to get Elena, my friend Lisa called my phone causing it to vibrate into the sink and down into the disposal.  Where for the next several hours it was repeatedly doused by running water and finally drowned.

At least I’ve not lost my mind.

Yet.

I had my annual eye exam today.

I was feeling pretty good about myself when I walked in there. In spite of dreary, rainy weather, I was having a good hair day and I’d spent the morning in the company of a group of women who always make me glad to be around them.

I wasn’t even letting the fact that this particular doctor’s office seems to only hire office workers that have 24 inch waists and flawless skin and look fresh out of high school bother me.

Then he said this.

“Well, Sara, your eyes look very healthy but I think it’s time we talk about progressive lenses.”

I was hoping that progressive lenses was a new technology that would allow me to wear glasses without having my eyes magnified to the size of Mr. Magoo.

You nearsighted people, you have no idea how lucky you are

News flash. Guess what?

Progressive lenses = BIFOCALS!!!

I’d have gotten up and whacked him if he hadn’t robbed me of my contacts and therefore rendered me blind as a bat.

I’m probably just days away from my first hip replacement and a set of dentures.