In my heart I was continuing to resist the idea that I have any significant insecurity. I’m almost 47 years old for Pete’s sake. I have a good marriage, two great kids, a job I enjoy and more friends that I should have. What in the world do I have to be insecure about?
My high school and college years? Now you’re talking insecurity. Lord have mercy. I feel so sorry for the girls and women who were my friends in those days. My insecurity made me do some pretty hurtful things to them. I cringe even as I write that sentence and the memories come back to me.
I honestly thought I’d grown out of it. I’ve certainly learned how to be a good friend to the girlfriends in my life. I no longer envy everything about absolutely everybody else. I know that even the most perfect looking people and relationships have their issues. Everyone is struggling with something. So why should I be any more insecure than the next gal?
But there were a couple of things in this weeks reading that stopped me dead in my tracks. Beth was talking about an insecurity inventory she took and here are a couple of questions from it.
Do you find yourself apologizing and trying to make things okay even if you were on the right side of an argument?
Does it bother you when people don’t like you?
Uh. Yes and Yes.
It kills me when a relationship of mine hits a turbulent patch. I don’t like it one bit. I obsess over it. Wonder what I could have done differently. Start feeling like a terrible friend and a worse Christian.
It ruins my day.
Make that days.
Make that weeks.
And here is the funny part. Or sad part. I don’t know which.
It bleeds into other areas of my life. Makes me doubt all kinds of crazy things. Question friendships and motives and everything else in the world.
There is no doubt in my mind that I’m reading this book in this season of my life for a reason. I think I need to examine this part of me and deal with it once and for all.
I’ve been kidding myself. Those insecurities of my youth hadn’t really gone away. They merely changed shape and name.
Anyone else gain any insight into themselves this week?
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Our United Methodist small groups had been doing some Rick Warren in recent weeks. So, for one week he had us beating ourselves up. But then the thought came back to me that Brennan Manning, Roman Catholic priest (now married) had shared in one of his many books: God loves you and I “furiously”, without qualifications, meaning “just as we are”. It is hard to get one’s head/heart around. Maybe it takes 60-65 years or even more!
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This year has brought me to my knees with insecurity; you know this to be true since we’ve talked about it. Maybe I should give Beth Moore a go to get to the root of the cause. Thanks for writing about this!
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