The Hard Place

I’m doing well.  My last three scans have been clear and I have very little problem with my maintenance chemo for the most part.  I am back to work and back to engaging in the kid’s activities.  I’m on a committee at church and I even agreed to be a chairman for one of the PTO committees at Elena’s school.  To look at me I don’t think you’d know anything was wrong.

A few weeks ago I started working with an integrative specialist in Cincinnati.  His practice melds Western and Eastern medicine to provide care to a wide variety of patients.  He had come highly recommended form one of my friends who had been trying to get me to go see him for a while now.

I had resisted for a few reasons, I think.  I practice Western medicine as a nurse practitioner.  I believe in it.  I like to think I’m open to new things and alternative practitices, but it is sometimes hard for me to fully embrace it.

But I was feeling like I wanted to be more proactive in taking charge of my life and my body again.  I’ve just been doing what people said to do for a long time now and in this new place where no one really knows what to do, I felt the time had come for me to be more involved.

And so I went to see Dr. Amoils.

He spent about 20 minutes just talking to me and asking me questions and then he looked at me and said, “We need to get you engaged back into your life.”

I was shocked at this.  I thought I was engaged.  There is barely time in the day to do all that I’m engaged in.  I let him know I thought he was mistaken.

He gently said, “No.  I’m not talking about being busy.  I’m talking about letting your whole heart be engaged back into your life.”

I burst into tears.  I hadn’t even felt like crying up until then.  But he hit the nail on the head.

I am afraid.

I am afraid to fully love and open myself up to those around me because what if IT COMES BACK??!!!!

I suppose I thought I was being protective.  Or cautious.  Or realistic.

Whatever, I was being, it was not working for me.  I do not want to live afraid or only half open to my life.

So we are working on this.  I am working on taking the grace that is each new day and embracing it fully.  To love fully and live fully and to make the most of it all.  To remain thankful of this gift of more time and to use it wisely.

This is harder than it sounds and I’m feeling my way through.  But I am daring to live with more joy than dread.  To engage.

To open up completely to this new life.