Again

As in, here we go…..again.

My latest PET scan revealed that I have a small lymph node that was acting suspiciously like cancer.  One bright spot right above my heart.  Deep inside making its home between a whole lot of important vessels and structures.  Unable to be reached by the surgeon’s knife and too big for what’s left of the radiation I could still have to that area, we are left with attacking it with chemotherapy again.  I will start my treatment on Monday.  We will do several rounds and then rescan to see what has happened.  We have consulted all my doctors both locally and at the Cleveland Clinic and they are all optimistic that I will have another good response to treatment.  I am not afraid.  I’ve had a marvelous year off treatment.  I’ve gotten my energy (and all my hair) back and I’m ready to go.  We kicked its butt once, no reason we can’t do it again.

So what to make of this?  Did God forget about me?  Did I not do enough good to warrant further remission?  Did He get my hopes up just to dash them again?  Is this some sort of cosmic punishment or further testing of my faith?

If I am honest, I have spend some time dwelling on all of these possibilities.  I think it’s human nature to do so.  As I’ve talked about many times, I’ve got performance issues.  That plays very nicely into the part of my brain that wants to think that if I’d just done ENOUGH then maybe this wouldn’t have happened.  But what is enough?  I don’t think there is an answer to that because that’s not the point.

What is the point?

Well.  I don’t really know.  But here is what I do know.  I have a friend who wondered aloud to me that if I reported that I had cancer again after one of my scans if people would still leave the comment that “God is good”.  I think that is a valid point.  Do we only think He is good when He answers things the way we think they should be answered?  Or is He good all the time?

So my answer is that He is still good.  But that does not mean that we are not disappointed or bewildered or angry or sad or whatever emotion news such as this brings to the surface.  I don’t pretend to understand God or his ways.  He is a mystery.

I am choosing to look at it like this.  I was given the wonderful gift of a year without treatment.  I was able to be fully present in my life without working our schedules around chemo treatments and things that surround them.  I got my energy back.  I lost the puffiness around my eyes.  I saw my kids grow up in ways that astounded me.  I went shopping with Katie for a dress for her first dance.  I saw Elena face her fears and try out for the sixth grade musical and be someone’s Valentine for the first time.  I could go on and on and on about the things that I’ve seen since my diagnosis that I never thought I would see.  I have been given an unfathomable amount of grace.  More than I could have ever dreamed of.

I don’t want to have chemo again.  That’s the truth.  It is not much fun.  But as JD said just yesterday when I asked if he was sorry he had a wife with cancer, “Of course not babe, it’s just the hand we’ve been dealt”.

And I think that is the truth.  We are just dealing with what we have been given.  Some days we do it better than others but we are good.  We are dealing with this as anyone with a chronic disease copes with it.  There are going to be times that it rears it’s ugly head and we have to deal with it.

And deal with it we will.  I don’t know what is ahead.  But I know that we are loved and cared about by so many.  We have support that most people don’t.  We are the most fortunate of people.

God is still good.  I still trust in Him.  I still believe that I am firmly in his hands and that he cares for me and my family.  He has shown his faithfulness time and time and time again.

All will be well.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Again

  1. Carrie Moore Johnson says:

    I love you. Your words are so deep and the TRUTH. I can sit here and feel the feelings again about my sweet daddy. I know this…..GOD’S GOT IT….he will calm our fears and he will be with you ALL the way. I’m PRAYING and I admire your hubby. He has been such a rock and we all know we need loved ones to face this. A quote my sweet daddy said when he was sick……” It’s all in HIS time, I can’t change it”. I think of that often still today. We want change, but we learn GOD’S GOT IT…..love you ….

  2. Robyn Angel says:

    So sorry to hear you will be back in treatment. :-( And so glad to hear you can still go back into treatment. :-) God is good. You have a strong support system and family. Your faith guides you. God is good. Prayers and help will flood in and while we cannot help with the most unpleasant part of this, everything else will be taken care of so you can do what you need to do. God is good. The news is bad, but you know you can do this because you’ve done it before. Get your head in the game and kick its ass. God is great.

  3. Connie Green says:

    You said it well! I have the same feelings, no matter what happens we will deal with it, and through it all, God’s grace is what sustains us. Love you and praying, Connie

  4. Paula Wilkes (Louisiana) says:

    God is so good ALL the time and His goodness transcends all understanding. Definitely praying for you and everything that you’re getting ready to face again. Mega hugs to you!!!

  5. Kay Wert Minardi says:

    I’m sorry to hear this, but you know you, your family and your medical team are always in our prayers. With God’s help, you can do this.

  6. Cindy Hannah says:

    Love ya sista and praying!

  7. Ken Owenby says:

    Love You Jane. God is good…sometimes we all forget that. My prayers are with you.

  8. Tina Arstingstall says:

    Sara,
    I seriously have tears in my eyes as I write this to you. I kid you not, I was just talking about you not even a week ago and saying how much we truly loved having you as our nurse practitioner and what a strong person and inspiration to all who know you, that you are. I hated so bad to see that you are starting another fight against this retched disease, but I have no doubt you will come through victorious and praising God for seeing you through. Your positive words of the blessed year you have just had, blessed me. Thank you for sharing with us who love you dearly and think of you often still! I am adding you to all prayer chains I am connected to, as I did before. I pray the treatments are not too hateful and that you wont have a long battle. Know that even those who you may not see anymore, care about you and are praying for you! May God truly bless you and your sweet family:) You are truly an inspiration!!!!

    Love and prayers,

    The arstingstall family,
    who still miss you being at our office

  9. Tracy B says:

    As always, thinking of you an praying extra hard. Love you

  10. Jim says:

    All the time.
    :-)
    Thank you for *being* a bright spot–of faith and faithfulness.

  11. Leah McGrady says:

    God is good and His mercies are new everyday. So sorry that you have to endure more. You are an inspiration toaall and I praise God for that.

  12. George Hampton says:

    Sara,

    We are sorry to hear the latest news, but we know your faith in God, your inner strength and your perseverence to beat this is incomparable. You and your family are in our prayers, as always. Love you.

  13. bina says:

    Hey Jane, So sorry to hear that you have to begin chemo once again, but I must tell you that often as I am doing something with Regan, I think about you and your girls and am thankful for every day that you have gotten to spend with them and then, it reminds me how fragile life is and for me to be thankful for every day that I have with my kids. I can’t believe our girls (your oldest) are 15 – my oh my where did the time go. Much love to you and I will be praying for you. XOXO

  14. Pam Barton says:

    Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. If anyone can beat this it is you. Sending hugs your way!

  15. Betty says:

    So sorry to hear this news. I will be praying for you. Love you

  16. Jill McWilliams says:

    I love you my sweet friend. I can’t say I didn’t read this without a lot of tears. Tears of sadness, frustration and yes anger. But I believe you are absolutely right…God is good and He is good all the time. You did nothing to make this happen. It just is. But He is there with you giving you all that you need to face this again. So am I. Shannon and I will be praying you through this…loving you, JD and the girls through this. 7 hours isn’t that far…I can be there in 1/2 a day. Just say the word. Hugs and prayers from The McWilliams

  17. Janece Holsinger says:

    I LOVE YOU !!! …yes, God is good…and NO, we do not understand Him !!!

  18. Karen Nabi says:

    Thinking of you and your family as I do more often than you could know. Loving you, missing you, praying for you and wishing I could be close!

  19. Dagmar Doland says:

    Hello Sarah,

    David and Kathy told me to check out your site years ago, and finally I did when all was better than it is right now. It was great reading your bio, and I think I met you years ago. I used to go to the WUMC and was in David’s Sunday School Class so many years ago. Unfortunately I now only see them occasionally as I live in Greece. As you have said and everyone agreed, that you are a strong lady and will overcome this one also. I too will add you to my prayers and lift you up this Sunday in our prayer time at church.

  20. Mark Turpin says:

    Greetings and solidarity from an unknown ‘friend’ in South Africa. Also to your very great partner. It is not the cards you are dealt with, but how you play them that counts.
    Sending solidarity.
    Mark Turpin

  21. Emme says:

    God is good all the time! Mysterious but good. You speak the truth my friend and you give strength to us all. You give me faith! Thank you for your words, faith, strength and belief. ❤️ you so much.

  22. Carol says:

    Dear Sarah,
    It has been a while since I have posted a comment but please know you are never forgotten. You and your family continue in my prayers. Our family understands all too well the emotions and feelings you all are experiencing. Tears flow down my face as I read your latest post. I wish I could make it all stop for all of us. We must trust in God, love our life, enjoy our time together because no one knows how long any of us have on Earth. Keep that positive spirit. You are a rock star like my husband! You can do this! Extra prayers from Indiana coming your way!

  23. Linda Kline-Lau says:

    Just so you know…it was your entry entitled, “I have cancer and God is good” (I’m paraphrasing most likely) that first led me to your blog. So the fact that you’re saying it again leads me to believe that others need to hear it too! So say it LOUDLY throughout your treatment!! Some one else needs to hear it! God bless you and your family!

  24. Sandy Watkins says:

    Dear Sarah,

    God is mysterious indeed! For some reason, I checked your site today, and I haven’t done that in over six months. He knows you need your support system and prayer warriors to stand along side you again as fight this disease. Don and I will be there to pray for you and your family. Love, Sandy and Don Watkins

  25. Dagmar Doland says:

    Lifting you up in prayer daily, and multiple times, you are an inspiration to all who enter here. Praying that all is going well for you!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>